DVD bandit

I like receiving mail - packages for my birthday, books I order online, other crap I order online, even my monthly subscriptions to various magazines. So I was excited to sign up for Netflix last week knowing that I would soon see my first DVD in the mail this weekend. Didn't happen. Instead I got this:



Yes, it's a plastic bag from the U.S. Postal service that says "WE CARE" with a note further saying that "We sincerely regret the damage to your mail during handling by the Postal Service. We hope this incident did not inconvenience you. We realize that your mail is important to you and that you have every right to expect it to be delivered in good condition." Blah. Blah. Blah. - Sincerely Your Postmaster

What it should have said instead was this:

Surprise! We ripped open your red envelope and dun stole your DVD of Eagle Vs. Shark. We don't really care that you subscribe to Netflix and paid for it, we know what's inside those envelopes and we collect them like homeless people collect cans. We try our very best to inconvenience you because we're tired of our polyester shorts and safari hats on summer days. Forgive us, anyway, cuz our tracking system isn't up to par to say UPS and FED-EX. Did you know that you can track the status of you package's route with their services? Amazing! Anyway, I don't know what Eagle Vs. Shark is, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the movie (I hope it's some foreign action flick, I love those). BTW, you have weird taste.
-xoxo Your Postmaster

Next time I'll order some documentary about ant hills or a Nicholas Cage film. The douche better enjoy it.